Driving the Sober Struggle Bus

Hey hey!

Honestly? I have been really struggling lately. It started with my first weekend sober. Yeah, I'm sober now. No more stuff I don't need to spend my money on anymore, at least for a while.

I realized I was using it to cope with the seemingly endless void of time that is coming home and sitting home alone every day after work. Loneliness and isolation have been a major ongoing problem for me, and it was especially evident this weekend.

Friday was at least okay, I had several appointments that kept me going, plus taking Bruno to the dog park, and doing some cleaning.

Saturday, I woke up surprisingly early after going to bed early the night before. I got some breakfast, I took Bruno to the dog park, I did some video gaming, and I look at the clock and it was literally only 9am. I kinda went into a tailspin, and ended up calling my family crying because I was so overwhelmed by all the time I had to fill, not wanting to only fill my day with exercise and cleaning, because what kind of life is that where that's all you do on the weekends, but didn't know what else to do.

I hadn't realized that when smoking, it makes time kinda blur, and even though I did get stuff done I wasn't doing as much as I really could have been doing. My family did recommend joining a gym, so I can do a group fitness class at least once a week, so I can have some human interaction. So I am looking into gyms around me. But again, I still had the rest of the day. We brainstormed ideas, and thought about me going to the bookstore or library to hang out and read, or just walking around a mall window shopping. The focus was activities that got me out of my apartment so I can interact with people.

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I ended up going to the library for a little while, plus I needed to get my physical library card for the Libby app, so it killed two birds with one stone. I had fun, and bought seven books for seven dollars for my bookshelf, so overall a good trip!

When I got home, I got the idea to google 'plus size fitness videos free', and the first video was by the amazing Holly Honjo (I'll put a link to her at the bottom of this page). It was a great exercise video that was also apartment friendly, without all the jumping around other videos do while still being a challenge. I was disappointed to not be able to finish the entire video, my body definitely can't do what it used to be able to. But I felt proud of myself for doing at least some of it, and felt a bit better about myself afterwards.

After allowing myself a nap, I even got the spark to start cleaning my closet and putting things together for the organizers I ordered. And I did some other cleaning. And making my apartment feel cleaner has apparently helped me, because I'm not sitting there staring at my various messes stressing about the mountain of stuff to accomplish nearly as much.

So while I didn't do much 'fun' stuff, I did accomplish things, which did make me feel good. I gave myself a couple stickers haha! But when I actually was doing things, and resting between vigorous activities, it took up more time than I thought, and I was able to get through my day more easily than I realized I would.

Step by step, I am improving myself and my life. I don't want it to be how it was. But doing what I had been doing wasn't working, so I have to keep getting my booty in gear and making the uncomfy changes that I have been avoiding. So, onwards and upwards!

If you are interested:

Holly Honjo: https://youtube.com/@hollyhonjo?si=kdOtbOd0eMUmLGR-