When “Good Intentions” Hurt: Body Comments I Never Asked For

Hey there!

This will be one of my venting-to-process posts.

I am an individual who seems to exude a certain aura where complete strangers feel comfortable, or even compelled, to talk to me and tell me things. I usually genuinely enjoy it, being able to make friends with strangers everywhere.

However.

There have been other interactions with generally well-meaning strangers, that happen far too often and has gotten very aggravating.

Welcome. Please take a seat, have some tea I just made.

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Fatphobia in Public

Let me start by saying that I have worked to completely change how I even go about exercising, as it was originally used a punishment for my body being 'too big' or for not having eaten healthily that day (by myself, or as recommendation by doctors who only saw/see me for my weight). Over the past few years, I have instead focused on creating goals that excite me as motivation to do things that make my body feel better and stronger.

None of what I do is with the motivation of weight loss.

[in truth, yes, deep down there's still the part of me that still wants to lose weight. I don't think a lot of people want to be "fat" in today's society. It is so hard to undo the internalized fatphobia that we in this society are all raised with. But I'm trying to not focus on that part and heal it in the background of my positive motivations]

Many of the unnecessary interactions prompted by my body are from well-intentioned women trying to be "supportive", such as the women who have seen me multiple times and will say things like "You look like you have lost weight, you look good!".

But these are not the compliments people think they are. So, I look good because my body is smaller? Also, why are we STILL commenting on women's bodies and telling women when they look good or not. We owe no one the effort of "looking good".

They will also offer how they lost weight, or suggest various health tips. A particular favorite was when I kept trying to keep walking, and she continued showing me various cardiac health videos.

hmm. I wonder why she feels compelled to show me information she thinks I need....

 All of this to say. There is still a lot of internalized shame being a larger-body woman doing any kind of physical activity. And having strangers feel the need to make any commentary or conversation about my body or health topics is just drawing more and more frustration that I am not what they think is okay to look like without commenting on.

I am the healthiest I have ever been actually thank you. I am very far in my journey, where I have worked with a dietitian and therapists and am finally feeding myself well and cooking more, walking more often, drinking more water and tea.

BUT I DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR MYSELF

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Women's Safety While Exercising

Here is where it gets more dangerous though.

This past Friday, I did my usual routine, got to the greenway to walk, etc. I noticed an older man on the other side of the parking lot already there, and he seemed to be watching what I was doing, and he started heading towards me when I started walking with Bruno to the path. He starts off with "Where are your clothes at?" which is immediately not a great way start. It was cold, but I only had a lighter long sleeve on, so my amount of clothing was how he started the conversation".

Fortunately he seemed to realize how weird that was to say, and when I asked "what?" he wisely rephrased to "Don't you have a jacket? It's cold out!".

Now, I'm friendly, so I respond and tell him I prefer the cold, once I'm walking I heat up and the cold keeps me from overheating so I can go as far as I can! "Okay, see you later!"

Conversation done. I start to move on with Bruno.

...

Except he stays pace with me.

We as women are trained to be nice. To be polite, agreeable and pleasant. I often struggle to speak up for myself, and this was one of those times where I just went along with the interaction, and continued my walk as he talked at me.

Not to me, at me mind you. At first I was asking questions and adding to the conversation. Whenever I would respond or say anything, he'd just respond with "anyways..." and say whatever he wanted to. I realized he would talk unprompted and started listening. He said he lived on his own, and obviously wanted someone to talk at.

Fine, apparently I've been selected.

I was still tolerating the interaction at this point. It was slowing me down to walk with him, but I guess some socializing is okay.

Until he unintentionally revealed why he really had picked me to latch onto, and not one of the other people in the area.

The first introduction to the topic was him mentioning that he had lost weight in the past by walking, and how he does all this walking at another local place.

Okay, nice. Good for you. So I started talking about how pretty the area is, etc.

Then drops how this "one young lady" there supposedly noticed him, and came up to him telling him how she wanted to lose all this weight, and asking him how to do it. And that he told her it was by walking, and got her to keep walking and lose all this weight.

Again. Good. For. Her.

I doubt she approached him. And that she lost weight because of him. But whatever.

Actually sir, I'm not walking to lose weight. I started walking to train to walk far enough for [the magic mouse place] with my family, and am going to go hiking and backpacking.

"Anyways. There was this other girl too that needed to lose weight" BLAH BLAH BLAH

DUDE.

I DID NOT ASK YOU FOR HELP.

I DID NOT APPROACH YOU.

I DO NOT KNOW YOU.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

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Safe Responses to Strangers

Having had many of these interactions, I have had to learn how to prepare things to say in response, especially since being neurodivergent means I panic and go into "accommodating woman mode" in uncomfortable situations.

What I realized

"I'm not trying to lose weight, thank you" is what I now carry in my back pocket for these situations.

Maybe it is easier to just say thank you. But I keep being made uncomfortable by these interactions, so I have worked on being less accommodating.

However.

This old man inserting himself into my walk was a new one though.

My mom asked why I didn't go walk on my own. I just...couldn't do it. He never asked if he could join me, he didn't give me space in the convo to transition myself away.

In order to FINALLY get out of the interaction -and ended up not walking as far as I had intended, MIND YOU- at the split in the path where it branched back to the beginning, I told him we (Bruno and I) only had an hour to walk, so had to turn back. And of COURSE he kept trying to talk to me but I at least was annoyed enough having realized the intentions behind the interaction that I more firmly exited.

....

Ugh.

The wilder, quicker interactions about my body size are from younger people.

I've had many a child decide to ask "why is she so fat". And either the mom doesn't hear/doesn't respond, or she'll say "that's not nice to say". Which, is a nice effort.

BUT

After some thinking, I FINALLY have a "because bodies come in all kinds of shapes and sizes" saved in my back pocket for that kind of interaction.

The worse interactions though are with older kids, like 10 or so. For example, at the zoo a few years ago there was a group of them and a boy points at me and loudly says

"Oh my god shes SO fat"

.

.

.

I have tried to think of a few responses for this one.

"Where is its owner?"

"at least I'm not a 10-year-old asshole" [this one still needs workshopping]

[more suggestions are obviously needed]

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Existing in a larger body can be hard.

For many reasons.

I get far too much commentary from strangers in public about my body. Far more than my much smaller/physically fit sister does. Which is ridiculous, because I am allowed to take up the amount of space that I do. Everyone does.

Basically though, everyone needs to mind their own business. Pleasantries between strangers who are interacting on a walk are one thing. Anything more than that is unnecessary and potentially harmful, depending on who it is aimed at and what is said.